Water and related stories.
Moving into my single room back in Isinya and I was asking the caretaker where the tap was to which she replied there wasn't one.
"Hakuna maji ya mfereji..."
For a minute, I stood there transfixed not quite understanding what was going on. What the actual fuck? How can a two Storey flat not have piped water? More important still, how do I get my money back?
Long story short, for the next three or so months, I was hauling water to the second floor every damn day. Not that I couldn't pay someone to do that. It's just that these guys were charging something close to Eurobond money and I was protesting by doing it myself. Not that I'm stingy or anything but I'd rather waste my money on alcohol and weed. Like if I have had to choose someone to rip me off, I'd rather a dealer and not a damn porter. If a dealer overprices, there's a chance that's some good shit.
Long story short, for the next three or so months, I was hauling water to the second floor every damn day. Not that I couldn't pay someone to do that. It's just that these guys were charging something close to Eurobond money and I was protesting by doing it myself. Not that I'm stingy or anything but I'd rather waste my money on alcohol and weed. Like if I have had to choose someone to rip me off, I'd rather a dealer and not a damn porter. If a dealer overprices, there's a chance that's some good shit.
The toilets.
I'm convinced that most of the tenants in that flat didn't understand the working of a modern toilet. It was for this reason that I had recused myself from taking a shit in those toilets. I thank God I was born a man and I enjoy the luxury of peeing standing up because I just stood at the doorway and arched a three pointer when taking a piss. My bowel movements were in sync with working hours so number two had to happen when I was at work. I'm so glad I didn't have diarrhoea. That'd be all kinds of disgusting. Crisis meetings were held every other week because some assholes(pun) didn't...(text missing). I knew I had to move in like the mafia I was and lock that shit down.(pun, I'm on a roll ). So I spoke to the caretaker who regarded me as some sort of VIP. As a result, I was very generous with compliments every time we met because ladies love that shit. My flattery plan worked and it was decided I'd have my own toilet. Which was great until a week later and some douche fucked up the padlock because apparently 'I was being selfish.' The nerve. Or as Rihanna would say... The audacity!
I'm convinced that most of the tenants in that flat didn't understand the working of a modern toilet. It was for this reason that I had recused myself from taking a shit in those toilets. I thank God I was born a man and I enjoy the luxury of peeing standing up because I just stood at the doorway and arched a three pointer when taking a piss. My bowel movements were in sync with working hours so number two had to happen when I was at work. I'm so glad I didn't have diarrhoea. That'd be all kinds of disgusting. Crisis meetings were held every other week because some assholes(pun) didn't...(text missing). I knew I had to move in like the mafia I was and lock that shit down.(pun, I'm on a roll ). So I spoke to the caretaker who regarded me as some sort of VIP. As a result, I was very generous with compliments every time we met because ladies love that shit. My flattery plan worked and it was decided I'd have my own toilet. Which was great until a week later and some douche fucked up the padlock because apparently 'I was being selfish.' The nerve. Or as Rihanna would say... The audacity!
Anyway, an year later I was living in Roysambu. The taps were there but in a bizarre twist, no water-save for two days a week. I couldn't even use my own toilet at times. It felt like some strange form of karma.
So this day I was out of weed and I had to replenish my stock. It was in the evening and about to rain so I had to rush. By the time I got there, it was raining hard. I had to wait before I got home. I decided to have a stiff drink while I waited for the rains to die down. An hour and a half later, I was slightly buzzed. Not the kind that makes you want to go on drinking but the other one that makes you want to just get to the house and just lie in bed preferably stoned. The walk back to the house took forever mostly because I walk like a lazy snail and I don't walk past mutura guys.
I opened the door all that while visualizing a fat blunt and ready to get into that meditation mood. I stepped inside and felt a strange splash. I turned on the lights and behold was the horror of horrors. The only thing missing was graffiti on the wall saying 'Noah waz hia'.
I had forgotten to turn off the damned taps. There wasn't even water flowing anymore. I was in a flooded bedsitter and there was no water. I went up to the rooftop and thought about my life. Eventually, I decided I had two choices; jump off the roof or go drain that water out. The latter won because I figured broken bones weren't that fun either. Hours and a bottle of konyagi later I was done.
I woke up the next with a massive hangover and thirsty af. There wasn't a drop of water in the house-no suprise there. Damn. Should have jumped off that roof.
So this day I was out of weed and I had to replenish my stock. It was in the evening and about to rain so I had to rush. By the time I got there, it was raining hard. I had to wait before I got home. I decided to have a stiff drink while I waited for the rains to die down. An hour and a half later, I was slightly buzzed. Not the kind that makes you want to go on drinking but the other one that makes you want to just get to the house and just lie in bed preferably stoned. The walk back to the house took forever mostly because I walk like a lazy snail and I don't walk past mutura guys.
I opened the door all that while visualizing a fat blunt and ready to get into that meditation mood. I stepped inside and felt a strange splash. I turned on the lights and behold was the horror of horrors. The only thing missing was graffiti on the wall saying 'Noah waz hia'.
I had forgotten to turn off the damned taps. There wasn't even water flowing anymore. I was in a flooded bedsitter and there was no water. I went up to the rooftop and thought about my life. Eventually, I decided I had two choices; jump off the roof or go drain that water out. The latter won because I figured broken bones weren't that fun either. Hours and a bottle of konyagi later I was done.
I woke up the next with a massive hangover and thirsty af. There wasn't a drop of water in the house-no suprise there. Damn. Should have jumped off that roof.
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